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Author Topic: Re: The Hang-Out: Dawn to Atonement  (Read 42 times)

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Offline AuroraDash

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Re: The Hang-Out: Atonement and Redemption
« on: 16 July 2021, 15:46:52 »
Hellloooo. Finally got the thesis submitted today~! Hell yeah! Unfortunately, get drunk to celebrate, but instead of celebrating I'm having a nihilistic meltdown instead.

Wayyy back in the day, as a kid, my enemy was deep time and the heat death of the universe. One's own death is one thing. The destruction of the Earth is similar, but on a bigger scale, it's still psychologically manageable. The idea that someday the whole cosmos will be dead and dark and nothing interesting will ever happen again? That's primal horror on a level that a 10-year-old just isn't equipped to deal with. It just scars the mind.

As an adult, though, I can deal with it. I can think about the heat death of the universe, stare into that abyss, and go, "yeah, whatever, who gives a ****". Now, my enemy is the hedonic treadmill, because, unlike heat death, it's a concept which **** with your day-to-day life. Like, you've got goals in life. Long term and short term goals. But regardless of whatever you achieve and how far you get, it will never be enough. You'll feel that euphoria for a few moments whenever you make progress, but then rapidly return to that baseline level of "meh". If think: if I got everything I ever wanted tomorrow, I'd wake up the day after with a whole new list of things I want which are even harder to get, and if I had a magic bullet which solved all my problems, I'd still have just as many problems a week from now. It's demoralising. It makes me feel like nothing is actually worthwhile and no goal is worthy and there's no point in even trying to accomplish anything and the best thing to do is not even bother. Of course, that's probably all an illusion and some **** actually does achieve long-run improvements to my wellbeing, at least to some extent, but it's still psychologically onerous. How I deal with it is to think: don't I still wanna climb that hill, so I can at least /know/ what the new list of things to want is? Sure, I'll still have problems but they'll be new and interesting problems and it'll be a nice change of pace from the current tedium. The effectiveness of those lines of thinking varies.

Case in point: Sypher. With relationships, there's this period of like 1-3 months where all the problems seem manageable and it seems like they're worth dealing with because it's new and exciting. Then, with normal relationships I get bored and resentful and lose interest, and with open relationships I get jealous and resentful and start to fill up with anguish. It seems like I can't handle relationships either way, and that even trying a long-term relationship in any sense is kind of a waste of time because it's doomed to failure, I'll have a terrible time while I'm coping with that failure, and I'll probably make a lot of enemies along the way, who may well last way longer than the relationship ever did (cough cough Luditas). Of course, some people spend their whole lives chasing some ideal, believing that if they can just make everything perfect it'll all be worth it, and while they end up sad and alone, their lack of self-awareness means they at least carry hope and enthusiasm with them along their path. We came up with this pragmatic solution where, if one of us wants the other to stay away from somebody, the other has to do it, no questions asked. It seems appealing because the sacrifice associated with it is not that big, when the jealousy gets too much you can reel everything back into a comfy little box and when the boredom gets too much you can come back out of that box again. Of course, that failed because Sypher (a) complained about me using that system whenever I did so, (b) never used the system himself and instead chose to complain about me directly and (c) is a filthy **** liar who ignored the system anyway. So, generally, it seems like relationships do a lot more harm than good to my personal wellbeing, regardless of what form they take. Maybe something like a master/pet arrangement would be more manageable.

I've started work on a Misery of Magic wiki -- so far, I have 25 pages. Once I've made a few more I'll show it off to you guys :3

Anyway, I'm off to sleep now.  I really appreciate you guys.
« Last Edit: 16 July 2021, 16:00:55 by AuroraDash »
Entryway / Moss Garden / Elevator / Magic School / Ice Prison / Splendid Tower / Technology Tower / Sky Platform / Hidden Attic / Genocide City

Poison's Lair / Shade Hollow / Backwoods / The Remnant / Underpath / Sorrow Peak / Energy Centre / Fire Hole / North Edge